In Which Our Craftiness Is Tested, Or Brrr It's Bleeping Cold Out There

My house is warm with fam'ly, but outside

The wind roars bitterly, and it's damned cold.

When it's just me I let this matter slide,

Throw on another sweater, but, cajoled

By those I love I cranked my thermostat

Beyond the 60s. Then, 'cause there are drafts,

We nailed up a big blankie to combat

The frigid air from my back door. Such craft

As exercised here might seem to exceed

Our daily quota, but we're smarter yet!

When planning for the grocery run, indeed,

We planned for turkey soup and whatnot. Bet

We still have to go shopping Friday? No,

We roar, you cannot make us go!

In Which A Lesson Is (Again) Learned

A Chamber Chick of old, I should have known

To take advice I've long been wont to give.

Now B&B doth reap what has been sown

By a much larger rival. What I'd give

To have these last few days back! I'd just go

To south Cheyenne, the big boxes eschew,

And take my money to where I well know

It will be much appreciated. You

Might pay more but it's worth it not to ache

In head and heart just trying to get a thing

Replaced or fixed. I swear I shall not make

This same mistake again when next fates bring

Me to a sim'lar choice. Your locals are

Your best bet -- and if things go wrong, not far.

In Which A Customer Is Lost

Turns out I could have spent the day else-how.

Instead I got up, emptied out this fridge

That lows and mutters like a dying cow,

And waited for the new one. Now a bridge

'Twixt me and an old corporation's burnt:

'Twas dented in the box, that thing I bought,

And it's deliv'ry cancelled -- which I learnt

Long after, after waiting, as I ought

Per my last message from them. When I called

Long past the window, as meat thawed and leaked

And other things got messy, first they stalled,

Then finally admitted that my pique

Was justified. Now, back to the first square

I must prepare to seek a fridge elsewhere.

In Which A Home Improvement Hoedown Needs Some Light

A home improvement hoedown I have had,

New pickets on the back fence, and, inside,

Built-in bookshelves for one room (I'm so glad;

'Tis one dream I've long cherished). Still undried

The shelves themselves drip on sawhorses, so

It being Mother's day times two real soon

(This month's her birthday, too), off we did go,

To Office Max. We found one made her swoon

And also, there, a lamp I've fancied. As

I hate to shop, it pleased me, then, to make

Both purchases (efficiency, it has

The pow'r to move me strangely). We did take

The lamp home to my house, only to find

No bulb within. The store clerks, though, were kind.

Grocery, Ah Me

Eye contact we must shun by any means;

The grocery store is certainly no place

For human moments as we shop for beans

And milk and fruit and dog food. Let no face

Make an appearance in our field of view!

So seems the modus of my fellow man

As we peruse the aisles, as we look through

The wares from which to choose. Was this the plan?

That we lapse into middle-distance stares,

Our eyes glazed over; people now no more

Than obstacles to navigate? Who cares

That human life teems by the score

And still there's loneliness. At last I meet

One pair of eyes; a smoker on the street.

In Which My BrotherMan Visits A Humidor Hoedown

He travels west to see his girlie, and

Along his route there is a strange truck stop

In Rock Springs, not what I would call the land

Of civilized pursuits, but one can shop

Therein for something that I love most true.

This photo shows its glory, for within

There lies a walk-in humidor! I knew

He'd have to check it out, for he has been

A-telling me about it for, oh, weeks!

He's not quite a cigar man, though, just yet,

So as I bought my fennel and my leeks

(It's for a pie), I knew that I would get

A cell phone call, requesting a consult.

Connecticut, I said, as a result.

In Which I Pass A Pleasant Afternoon

My Bonfire is a special kind of gal,

She's curious, amusing and will try

Most any crazy thing I think of. Shall

I tell you how we made a lunch hour fly

And turn into a total afternoon?

First sushi lunch, Cthulhu on some rice,

I had Sapporo, too, but she was soon

To head to work, which wasn't all that nice

But we made good the time we had. What more?

The sushi joint just happens to be near

Our friendly local Barnes & Kipple store

(The tale behind that sobriquet, I fear

Is too involved for this here sonnet). Just

A simple, perfect day. Repeat we must!

In Which I Endure A Little Culture Shock

My dad needed a Stetson cover for

His cowboy hat in case tomorrow's game

Is rainy. So we went down to a store

That I should have known, just from its mere name

Would shock me. At the Boot Barn I went blind

From flashing glare off th'encrusted bling

Of Christian cowgirl belts, hung up, aligned

For maximum impact. So here's the thing:

Who wears such things, and for what kind of date

Are crosses made of rhinestones round one's waist

Sartorially most appropriate?

I know full well the question is of taste,

But wonder, too, what strange new form of prayer

Takes such a form, and really, why I care.

In Which I Consider A Strange Thoroughfare

A farmer's mart that had nary a stalk

Of local, fresh asparagus, I deem

A failure. Nor is this the only shock

To be had here along that driver's dream,

The T.V. Highway, home to ev'ry chain

Store, taco truck, "adult" emporium

And hair salon. Allow me to explain:

Through Beaverton and "Hillsburrito," umm..

And other towns I'm sure, this one highway

Boasts all that Portland proper would forget,

Pushed to the side, hid like that bad toupee

One sported in the 70s. My bet

Is that's how here a Lowe's and Home Depot

Are planted side-by-side in a neat row.

Don't Call Us Vultures, We Just Know Opportunity When It Goes Splat in Front of Us

My friends and I seek to be in the biz.
Of filmmaking, at least on a small scale.
We have a script. What's holding us up is
The camera. We're waiting for a sale.
How fortunate the stars have so aligned
As to have brought about untimely death
(Or bankruptcy) to a chain store you'll find
'Most everywhere the shopping crowds draw breath.
So now my co-producer braves the horde,
While I, at work, do research by remote
On what he finds, at downtimes when I'm bored.
But he's the man; I'm glad to get a vote.
And from the ash of Circuit City's store
Comes Heroes Only Studios, maybe more!