Bernard the Helper Mule: A Mock Epic for @popqueenie and @lucysfootball

When Buddy, Legolas and Keebler all
Attended the same party, long ago,
Alas, the three of them perchanced to fall
Into great folly, and, well, as you know
From looking at their tee-shirts... let's just call
Them most unfortunate. But how they show
Resilience is most inspiring! They
Don't let their illness stop them on their way.

Now, Legolas and Keebler simply got
Expected gifts from all their elven kin.
But Buddy? Such was not to be his lot
He took so many helpers for a spin
But Santa wouldn't spend the green (that's not
To call him cheap or anything, 'cause, well
We do hope he'll be gen'rous someday. Hell!)

So Buddy, helpless, lonely and bereft
Sat by the subway, begging for spare change
And scrabbling blindly for the crumbs we left
Of sandwiches, when one day, something strange
Occurred. Disgruntled, angry and deranged
One Kinky Kelly, formerly a deft
And lithe performer, just released from jail
Learned that his mule now saw him and thought "fail!"

"He doesn't love me anymore!" he cried.
"I thought tattoos were sexy, but, no good."
In tears he sank down to our Buddy's side.
And Buddy got to thinking. "Kelly, would
Your mule consider going for a ride?"
Quoth Kelly "He's a hussy, sure, but could
You give me just a moment?" "Sure." "All right.
Let's give it one more try, Bernard, tonight?"

Bernard, though, wasn't having it, and kicked
His ex right in the groin. "Um, he's all yours,"
Quoth Kelly. "Aw, I hope this don't afflict
You too bad," Buddy said, then, on all fours
He struggled toward the mule that he had picked
To be his helper, and, just as the doors
Closed on poor Kelly, grabbed it by the fur
And pulled himself upright. "No, as you were."

The streets of old Manhattan never saw
A sight like Buddy and his Bernard, as
They learned to help each other. "Oh, look, aw!
That's wrong, that is" was typical. "He has
His hand up in that donkey's--" "Shut yer jaw!"
But Buddy, he was used to all that jazz.
"Don't listen, Bernard," he would say, and for
The mule's part, there was really nothing more.

They learned to help each other, and now they
Are quite insep'rable, and other elves
Who partied with him on that fateful day
Just wish they had a helper mule themselves.
Especially Legolas, who, people say
Keeps hidden deep amongst his many shelves
Of poetry and lit, some rank mule porn.
Alas for him and his pale unicorn...

Poet's noet: The original inspiration for this can be found at LucysFootball HERE and further elucidated at Snobbery blog's feast of "Low-Ku" HERE.